Here's What I Think About Being Single...

So You Say I Won’t Find Him?

Let me begin by saying I have never been in a relationship. I don’t have any experience that I can stretch and count as a relationship. I just haven’t been in one. And that’s okay. We live in a society where relationships define us and are often mistaken for worth. We are surrounded by movies and media that lead us to believe that love is physical. It’s about the kissing and the hugging and the holding hands. When in fact, it is more. That is what people forget. You don’t have to believe in God to admit that relationships should be more than physical. They should be more than a male buying you things or telling you that you are beautiful. Believe me, those things are lovely, but they are just things and not the foundation of a relationship. We all crave something deeper.

And this is where it begins… I never dated in high school and not by choice. It just wasn’t a thing for me and that’s alright. I am extremely grateful that I didn’t because where I am now is not where I was in high school with reason. We live in a society in which “being single” is seen as a negative thing. People show pity to other people who are single. But did you think that some people just want to be single? Maybe it isn’t their choice, but did you ever think they were content with it?

These are my thoughts... I have been a single gal for 21 years. Even though I went through my forever alone and very moody Twitter phase when I was 17, I don’t even know who that girl is. Because the one I am now knows this without a doubt. She is loved more than she can imagine by God. He made her in His image. He is the only one who will be there when everything fades. Above all, He chooses to love her every day and is actually giving her the time of day. What is He thinking when she starts obsessing over a guy no matter how great he may be? Girls obsess over guys who don’t even know they exist or who don’t feel the same way, when God is always there loving her and giving her the time of day. That is what is important: The love of the Cross. He died FOR YOU! Let’s be real. When you go to bed at night, whether it is alone or with someone who loves you, you still only have yourself. I am sure that you are wonderful and awesome! Why not enjoy that person? As far as I’m concerned the only relationships that need to thrive in my life are my relationship with myself and my relationship with my creator. I’ve only known myself. I have never known myself with anyone else. Anyone else besides the one who really matters: Jesus Christ. What is so wrong with that? People make it out to be bad if you are single. Did you ever think I like being single or enjoy myself enough to not find my identity in anyone but WHO GOD MADE ME TO BE?

It’s an important place to be. I think it’s an important place for everyone to be. So this brings me to my last point. I am not anti-dating or anti-relationship, BUT I know what is the most important to me. I have a list of qualities I want in a future spouse. Maybe they are high standards. Some say they are unrealistic, but it’s hard to find someone who matches up to the ultimate example of love: Jesus Christ. So you say I’ll never find someone who encompasses my list? I challenge your notion. My list isn’t based on perfection. I am reflected in my list. They are qualities I possess that I think would be pretty appealing in a partner. I know I am not perfect and neither is this list. I’m going to keep searching and you can keep to yourself. Because even if I don’t find him, I still have Him and He thinks I am to die for!

I've Felt This Way for 12 Years...

Sometimes I think I love and care about people too much. Then I think "Can that really be a thing?". It all starts that first time you were left out or even let go. Maybe you drifted from a childhood friend. Maybe you were blatantly ignored by a friend. I would like to think that this is universal, but then I think that there are two people in this world: the people that get excluded and the people that do the excluding. The people who think about how other people feel and the people who don't. 

I think about this often when I reach out to friends. I'd like to think that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I let people know how I feel and I let them know they are worth my time. But here's the kicker, I rarely feel that in return. I often feel like I am the "convenient friend." 

I've always been a quality relationship person. I don't just want to tag as many people as I can as "a friend." I want to form good solid relationships with people and get to know them. I want to love people and share joy with them. 

This is where I come back to being left out. You could say I am a pro. Being excluded sucks. I think the first time I was excluded I was 9 and not invited to a birthday party. I spent a good chunk of my middle school years being excluded OFTEN. I am just not sure how people can just simply not understand what they are doing to you. Now you can say, "That was middle school..." That is true, but this theme pops back into my life and it isn't any better. 

Here is what I have come to realize:

When I make plans or think of something I want to do, I always think about how others will feel if I post about it, talk about it, or even just do it and not include them. I do that because over the years people haven't taken those courtesies toward me. I never want people to feel the way I have. So I always think about those other people. For the people who treat you like a convenience: You just have to realize they won't ever feel the way they made you feel or realize they did it. It just isn't on their radar. 

You also can NEVER love too much. That is not a thing. You can never care too much. Maybe people don't care as much as you do, but in the end you are better off. I also never regret it because when you find those people that give in return what you give them, it is worth it. There may be a lot of hurt, but in the end it's all still worth it. 

Dedicated to Stephanie:

Thanks for being my number one. My Heavenly number one gave me you. I am beyond blessed.

From UA to WU: The Journey of a Transfer Student

There are a million ways I could start this post. Believe me, I have thought of many... I am pretty much done with my first academic year at Walsh and I can’t even begin to explain how I feel. There is one thing I know for sure: I am not the same person I was when I arrived in August.

                I remember my first day so vividly, but at the same time it doesn’t haunt me anymore. There were a lot of tears. You wouldn’t expect this from a girl who was super excited about “starting over” in a sense. She had a new major, a new university, and many new people to meet. But leaving the friends I had made at Akron was not the source of my tears. My living situation bothered me. The best way to describe it was that I felt like I was going to explode…not that many people can even begin to think of how one could feel like that. Within 24 hours, two people had stayed the night and about 5 or 6 people had already come over. A partying lifestyle was in the future and it was just not my cup of tea. So I cried about that. Not necessarily that, but I felt trapped. I felt there was no way out beside going home.

But I definitely cried about missing my friends. It was just unexpected and delayed. I was holding back tears as I talked to one of my friends in the prayer garden on the phone. I am not sure if you are familiar with Glee, but Rachel Berry at the start of season 4 in New York was me.

My first 24 hours were not at all what I expected them to be. It wasn’t until I stepped into the chapel for Mass that it really hit me.

                I had spent the previous year of college attending 8 pm Mass with my absolute best friends at St. Bernard’s church in Akron. It was my home. The Catholic church is my home. I walked into a crowded chapel and managed to find the seat at the end of a pew. I figured that Mass would make me feel better. Who better to unload my problems to than God Himself? I had been warmly greeted by not only students, but the EUCHARIST. On the outside, I was content and at peace, but I was a wreck on the inside. I was so excited to see what opportunities I had at Walsh and at the same time wanted to bawl my eyes out because it was all so new.

                Despite my best efforts, I wasn’t fooling anybody. During the opening hymn, I was basically failing at preventing tears from rolling down my cheeks.. All I kept thinking was how I should be celebrating Mass with my friends. Never did I once ever regret or ask why I was at Walsh though. I returned from Mass and my roommates nicely asked how it went. I said, “I enjoyed it” and retreated to my room to call my mother. One word: TEARS.

                Within the next 24 hours my mother was on campus and we were getting a housing assignment settled. We had a plan in place. Between crying, barely eating, and simply being upset, I still had to attend my first day of classes. Being emotional and in a new place made me feel completely alienated. It did not get any better because I had human phys that day. I definitely underestimated it and it brought to light something I never even considered. Low and behold I was walking in on a 300 level class that was full of juniors and seniors already acquainted with one another. I never understood the whole “girl at a new school” cliché until I was sitting ALONE at a table in this classroom while everyone greeted one another. Inside I was begging for someone to come sit by me and talk to me. Later in class I would be put in a group that made my first semester and human phys itself enjoyable.

                Getting involved was another thing I was excited about. I was used to going to a Catholic based group on Wednesday nights and experiencing good fellowship and faith. Coming to Walsh, I knew it wouldn’t be like Akron. I just never thought I wouldn’t be involved in anything spiritual in the slightest. I joined my major club and looked around at the other opportunities, but I never really found anything that fit.

                Around this time I had questioned to myself about what “Drama Club” meant, which was listed on the Walsh website. When originally going to college, I had wanted to drop theatre just like a snake sheds its skin. After two years without it though, I was missing it. I wanted a chance to audition and really try to embody a character, something I never did in high school. The next day I got an email about auditions for Steel Magnolias. I immediately went to Mark’s office to pick up a script. Long story short, I was cast and it made a world of a difference. Not only was I involved, but I met 5 other girls and bonded with them. It wasn’t instant, but over time we really had a bond similar to the southern women we were portraying.

                After that summary of my first couple weeks at Walsh (especially the first 24 hours), I think about where I was and where I am now. I am not God nor do I claim to be, but I can look back and see the path He laid for me. I owe my rejuvenation of my faith to Akron Newman. Without them, I wouldn’t know who I am right now. I know that Newman had a time and place in my life. It has served its purpose. Never did I think God would send me to Walsh and give me the opportunity to be involved in theatre again. I was just a girl wanting to focus on her new major and preparing for grad school. God really showed me that I didn’t need a weekly meeting of friends to stay close to Him. He found a way to use me and allow me to use my gifts and talents.

                I have been in two shows, have met so many people, are getting to know people in my major, and realized there are people here on my side. I haven’t realized until recently how many people I know and how much of a home Walsh has become. To be honest, I am looking forward to finals, but I kind of don’t want to leave. I love my Akron friends and will continue those relationships, but I don’t miss Akron anymore. I truly don’t. My heart is full and I am at peace. God has revealed the strength He has given me. Without Him, I wouldn’t have even survived those first 24 hours. Sometimes I think it is weird that I transferred. I can’t believe that I did! Sometimes I often wonder about if I never had transferred or if I had started at Walsh, all which are impossible! Then I think of how amazing my journey was and how I would never be where I am today without any part of it. I couldn’t imagine my life without all the people that I have met and built relationships with. I could have started this post with “Toto, I've a feeling we’re not in Akron anymore”or “What am I doing here?”, but I know exactly why I am here. And I couldn’t feel more content and joyous than I already am!