Sometimes I think I love and care about people too much. Then I think "Can that really be a thing?". It all starts that first time you were left out or even let go. Maybe you drifted from a childhood friend. Maybe you were blatantly ignored by a friend. I would like to think that this is universal, but then I think that there are two people in this world: the people that get excluded and the people that do the excluding. The people who think about how other people feel and the people who don't.
I think about this often when I reach out to friends. I'd like to think that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I let people know how I feel and I let them know they are worth my time. But here's the kicker, I rarely feel that in return. I often feel like I am the "convenient friend."
I've always been a quality relationship person. I don't just want to tag as many people as I can as "a friend." I want to form good solid relationships with people and get to know them. I want to love people and share joy with them.
This is where I come back to being left out. You could say I am a pro. Being excluded sucks. I think the first time I was excluded I was 9 and not invited to a birthday party. I spent a good chunk of my middle school years being excluded OFTEN. I am just not sure how people can just simply not understand what they are doing to you. Now you can say, "That was middle school..." That is true, but this theme pops back into my life and it isn't any better.
Here is what I have come to realize:
When I make plans or think of something I want to do, I always think about how others will feel if I post about it, talk about it, or even just do it and not include them. I do that because over the years people haven't taken those courtesies toward me. I never want people to feel the way I have. So I always think about those other people. For the people who treat you like a convenience: You just have to realize they won't ever feel the way they made you feel or realize they did it. It just isn't on their radar.
You also can NEVER love too much. That is not a thing. You can never care too much. Maybe people don't care as much as you do, but in the end you are better off. I also never regret it because when you find those people that give in return what you give them, it is worth it. There may be a lot of hurt, but in the end it's all still worth it.
Dedicated to Stephanie:
Thanks for being my number one. My Heavenly number one gave me you. I am beyond blessed.
