"Hope Does Not Disappoint [...]"

I wrote this in 2016 the summer before my senior year of college and just realized I never posted it. A lot of things are different now in my life and in the world. HOWEVER, just as GOD is constant, His message still rings true...and just in time for a baby boy to enter the world. 

Here's a fact about me: I always have hope. It is a rare case where you find me giving up on something or someone. In any relationship or any situation, I'll be the first to offer up a positive to the situation. It's only in times of complete darkness that I see the light of my candle. Now if you know me at all or talk to me often, you know that my summer was not what I expected it to be. In the midst of it all, I really felt the lowest I have ever felt. Everything just seemed to be out of place. As the summer unfolded, God just revealed the beauty of His timing and creation. It is for this reason I never lost hope.

This summer had its ups and downs. All of my closest friends were away for the summer and I was waiting on my graduate school application to open up. I spent most days alone while my parents worked and most nights when my mother was taking care of my grandmother. I didn't have the joy that I always seem to possess and it just felt wrong. God has blessed me in so many ways that I am overwhelmed in the best way when I think about it. My whole journey to Walsh has been the biggest blessing. If I am being truthful, there was one point of the summer where I felt like I didn't have a purpose. Now let me clarify. I know that I have a purpose. I constantly remind myself that God has a plan. I just felt like I was wasting time. I wasn't even watching movies or scrolling through social media. I don't even know what I did, but I wasn't doing what GOD wanted me to do. This really upset me. I was in a negative headspace and I really just needed some fun interaction with friends. I truly just felt alone. Plans fall through and life is disappointing sometimes. Sometimes you just need someone to step up and be a friend, but no one seemed to be there.

But one thing saved me. I don't mean to be dramatic. As much as I felt alone, I knew God was making those footprints in the sand. But God started to reveal that joy to me again in the least likely of places. All through the summer I was doing observations. So for ease of getting there, I stayed over my aunt's where my grandma is being taken care of and is living. I have always had a good relationship with my grandma. I am the last of 11 grandkids or so. Every day I took care of my grandma and each day I continue to do so, God reveals to me how much faith, hope, and love matter. Not only is God showering me with grace, but He reveals the beauty life holds. As I started taking care of my grandma, I knew I found a purpose for my summer. As I kept observing for physical therapy I realized I was where God was calling me. I had so much clarity at where I was on my journey. So those plans that fell through or that disappointment throughout the summer didn't matter because I was close to God and He is what matters. I was invited to Heaven every day and the beauty of life was revealed to me.

I have so much hope for the future, for my family, and for this next semester. Some of my greatest memories are the ones spent taking care of the ones I love. I have learned so much this summer about anything and everything where it matters. Never lose hope.

"through whom we have gained access [by faith] to this grace in which we stand, and we boast in hope of the glory of God. 

Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, 

and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope,

and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us." Romans 5:2-7

Finding Peace Through the Static

For all the noise society now has placed in our lives, no one enjoys static. It’s unpleasant, annoying, and not beautiful music. Does anyone still listen to the radio anymore? With iPods, streaming services, and smartphones, many probably do not. However, I’ve come to notice something.

I was taking a drive up to Avon and had the radio on. I was flipping through my favorites, which were not coming in since I was traveling out of my normal radius of driving. I became distracted and left it on a staticky station. All of a sudden one of my favorite songs “What A Beautiful Name” by Hillsong came on. The way the Lord came through the static to reach me was striking. And it made me think...

This world is full of bunch of static. We get caught up in the ugly, unsettling noise and don’t listen. And we don’t like to find silence to listen to what we need to hear either. But no matter what, God is always present in the midst of the static of life. We just have to open our hearts and strive to reach Him so that He can reach our hearts. 

So next time you experience the static, listen. 

Here's What I Think About Being Single...

So You Say I Won’t Find Him?

Let me begin by saying I have never been in a relationship. I don’t have any experience that I can stretch and count as a relationship. I just haven’t been in one. And that’s okay. We live in a society where relationships define us and are often mistaken for worth. We are surrounded by movies and media that lead us to believe that love is physical. It’s about the kissing and the hugging and the holding hands. When in fact, it is more. That is what people forget. You don’t have to believe in God to admit that relationships should be more than physical. They should be more than a male buying you things or telling you that you are beautiful. Believe me, those things are lovely, but they are just things and not the foundation of a relationship. We all crave something deeper.

And this is where it begins… I never dated in high school and not by choice. It just wasn’t a thing for me and that’s alright. I am extremely grateful that I didn’t because where I am now is not where I was in high school with reason. We live in a society in which “being single” is seen as a negative thing. People show pity to other people who are single. But did you think that some people just want to be single? Maybe it isn’t their choice, but did you ever think they were content with it?

These are my thoughts... I have been a single gal for 21 years. Even though I went through my forever alone and very moody Twitter phase when I was 17, I don’t even know who that girl is. Because the one I am now knows this without a doubt. She is loved more than she can imagine by God. He made her in His image. He is the only one who will be there when everything fades. Above all, He chooses to love her every day and is actually giving her the time of day. What is He thinking when she starts obsessing over a guy no matter how great he may be? Girls obsess over guys who don’t even know they exist or who don’t feel the same way, when God is always there loving her and giving her the time of day. That is what is important: The love of the Cross. He died FOR YOU! Let’s be real. When you go to bed at night, whether it is alone or with someone who loves you, you still only have yourself. I am sure that you are wonderful and awesome! Why not enjoy that person? As far as I’m concerned the only relationships that need to thrive in my life are my relationship with myself and my relationship with my creator. I’ve only known myself. I have never known myself with anyone else. Anyone else besides the one who really matters: Jesus Christ. What is so wrong with that? People make it out to be bad if you are single. Did you ever think I like being single or enjoy myself enough to not find my identity in anyone but WHO GOD MADE ME TO BE?

It’s an important place to be. I think it’s an important place for everyone to be. So this brings me to my last point. I am not anti-dating or anti-relationship, BUT I know what is the most important to me. I have a list of qualities I want in a future spouse. Maybe they are high standards. Some say they are unrealistic, but it’s hard to find someone who matches up to the ultimate example of love: Jesus Christ. So you say I’ll never find someone who encompasses my list? I challenge your notion. My list isn’t based on perfection. I am reflected in my list. They are qualities I possess that I think would be pretty appealing in a partner. I know I am not perfect and neither is this list. I’m going to keep searching and you can keep to yourself. Because even if I don’t find him, I still have Him and He thinks I am to die for!

I've Felt This Way for 12 Years...

Sometimes I think I love and care about people too much. Then I think "Can that really be a thing?". It all starts that first time you were left out or even let go. Maybe you drifted from a childhood friend. Maybe you were blatantly ignored by a friend. I would like to think that this is universal, but then I think that there are two people in this world: the people that get excluded and the people that do the excluding. The people who think about how other people feel and the people who don't. 

I think about this often when I reach out to friends. I'd like to think that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I let people know how I feel and I let them know they are worth my time. But here's the kicker, I rarely feel that in return. I often feel like I am the "convenient friend." 

I've always been a quality relationship person. I don't just want to tag as many people as I can as "a friend." I want to form good solid relationships with people and get to know them. I want to love people and share joy with them. 

This is where I come back to being left out. You could say I am a pro. Being excluded sucks. I think the first time I was excluded I was 9 and not invited to a birthday party. I spent a good chunk of my middle school years being excluded OFTEN. I am just not sure how people can just simply not understand what they are doing to you. Now you can say, "That was middle school..." That is true, but this theme pops back into my life and it isn't any better. 

Here is what I have come to realize:

When I make plans or think of something I want to do, I always think about how others will feel if I post about it, talk about it, or even just do it and not include them. I do that because over the years people haven't taken those courtesies toward me. I never want people to feel the way I have. So I always think about those other people. For the people who treat you like a convenience: You just have to realize they won't ever feel the way they made you feel or realize they did it. It just isn't on their radar. 

You also can NEVER love too much. That is not a thing. You can never care too much. Maybe people don't care as much as you do, but in the end you are better off. I also never regret it because when you find those people that give in return what you give them, it is worth it. There may be a lot of hurt, but in the end it's all still worth it. 

Dedicated to Stephanie:

Thanks for being my number one. My Heavenly number one gave me you. I am beyond blessed.

From UA to WU: The Journey of a Transfer Student

There are a million ways I could start this post. Believe me, I have thought of many... I am pretty much done with my first academic year at Walsh and I can’t even begin to explain how I feel. There is one thing I know for sure: I am not the same person I was when I arrived in August.

                I remember my first day so vividly, but at the same time it doesn’t haunt me anymore. There were a lot of tears. You wouldn’t expect this from a girl who was super excited about “starting over” in a sense. She had a new major, a new university, and many new people to meet. But leaving the friends I had made at Akron was not the source of my tears. My living situation bothered me. The best way to describe it was that I felt like I was going to explode…not that many people can even begin to think of how one could feel like that. Within 24 hours, two people had stayed the night and about 5 or 6 people had already come over. A partying lifestyle was in the future and it was just not my cup of tea. So I cried about that. Not necessarily that, but I felt trapped. I felt there was no way out beside going home.

But I definitely cried about missing my friends. It was just unexpected and delayed. I was holding back tears as I talked to one of my friends in the prayer garden on the phone. I am not sure if you are familiar with Glee, but Rachel Berry at the start of season 4 in New York was me.

My first 24 hours were not at all what I expected them to be. It wasn’t until I stepped into the chapel for Mass that it really hit me.

                I had spent the previous year of college attending 8 pm Mass with my absolute best friends at St. Bernard’s church in Akron. It was my home. The Catholic church is my home. I walked into a crowded chapel and managed to find the seat at the end of a pew. I figured that Mass would make me feel better. Who better to unload my problems to than God Himself? I had been warmly greeted by not only students, but the EUCHARIST. On the outside, I was content and at peace, but I was a wreck on the inside. I was so excited to see what opportunities I had at Walsh and at the same time wanted to bawl my eyes out because it was all so new.

                Despite my best efforts, I wasn’t fooling anybody. During the opening hymn, I was basically failing at preventing tears from rolling down my cheeks.. All I kept thinking was how I should be celebrating Mass with my friends. Never did I once ever regret or ask why I was at Walsh though. I returned from Mass and my roommates nicely asked how it went. I said, “I enjoyed it” and retreated to my room to call my mother. One word: TEARS.

                Within the next 24 hours my mother was on campus and we were getting a housing assignment settled. We had a plan in place. Between crying, barely eating, and simply being upset, I still had to attend my first day of classes. Being emotional and in a new place made me feel completely alienated. It did not get any better because I had human phys that day. I definitely underestimated it and it brought to light something I never even considered. Low and behold I was walking in on a 300 level class that was full of juniors and seniors already acquainted with one another. I never understood the whole “girl at a new school” cliché until I was sitting ALONE at a table in this classroom while everyone greeted one another. Inside I was begging for someone to come sit by me and talk to me. Later in class I would be put in a group that made my first semester and human phys itself enjoyable.

                Getting involved was another thing I was excited about. I was used to going to a Catholic based group on Wednesday nights and experiencing good fellowship and faith. Coming to Walsh, I knew it wouldn’t be like Akron. I just never thought I wouldn’t be involved in anything spiritual in the slightest. I joined my major club and looked around at the other opportunities, but I never really found anything that fit.

                Around this time I had questioned to myself about what “Drama Club” meant, which was listed on the Walsh website. When originally going to college, I had wanted to drop theatre just like a snake sheds its skin. After two years without it though, I was missing it. I wanted a chance to audition and really try to embody a character, something I never did in high school. The next day I got an email about auditions for Steel Magnolias. I immediately went to Mark’s office to pick up a script. Long story short, I was cast and it made a world of a difference. Not only was I involved, but I met 5 other girls and bonded with them. It wasn’t instant, but over time we really had a bond similar to the southern women we were portraying.

                After that summary of my first couple weeks at Walsh (especially the first 24 hours), I think about where I was and where I am now. I am not God nor do I claim to be, but I can look back and see the path He laid for me. I owe my rejuvenation of my faith to Akron Newman. Without them, I wouldn’t know who I am right now. I know that Newman had a time and place in my life. It has served its purpose. Never did I think God would send me to Walsh and give me the opportunity to be involved in theatre again. I was just a girl wanting to focus on her new major and preparing for grad school. God really showed me that I didn’t need a weekly meeting of friends to stay close to Him. He found a way to use me and allow me to use my gifts and talents.

                I have been in two shows, have met so many people, are getting to know people in my major, and realized there are people here on my side. I haven’t realized until recently how many people I know and how much of a home Walsh has become. To be honest, I am looking forward to finals, but I kind of don’t want to leave. I love my Akron friends and will continue those relationships, but I don’t miss Akron anymore. I truly don’t. My heart is full and I am at peace. God has revealed the strength He has given me. Without Him, I wouldn’t have even survived those first 24 hours. Sometimes I think it is weird that I transferred. I can’t believe that I did! Sometimes I often wonder about if I never had transferred or if I had started at Walsh, all which are impossible! Then I think of how amazing my journey was and how I would never be where I am today without any part of it. I couldn’t imagine my life without all the people that I have met and built relationships with. I could have started this post with “Toto, I've a feeling we’re not in Akron anymore”or “What am I doing here?”, but I know exactly why I am here. And I couldn’t feel more content and joyous than I already am!

                

Confession

Growing up, I always found Confession a scary and daunting Sacrament. Although I knew that Jesus was able to forgive my sins through the Sacrament, it was never comforting to me. I'll never forget one night when I was in second grade. I was laying in my parents bed after being put to bed at 7:30- 8 o'clock. I often stayed up a couple hours just laying there because I wasn't tired. This particular night I was basically praying to God that I wouldn't have to go to Confession the next day at school. I did not like Confession because it made me nervous. Mind you, this was back when my sins consisted of kicking, punching, pinching, etc. my sister. Now, I understand the fact that admitting you did something bad is not pleasant by any means. I always felt like I had to go to the bathroom standing in line at the confessionals. So anyway, I kept plotting on how to "give myself a fever" so I didn't have to go to school. As an 8 year old, my ideas were not very realistic, but I thought that they might work. It didn't matter though because when my mother got home from work at 11 o'clock, she came to give me a kiss goodnight and felt I was warm. She took my temperature and told me I was not going to school because I indeed had a fever.

Looking back on this moment I have to chuckle. I am still in shock that God answered my prayers that night and urgently. I thought He would've said no. Since then, my feelings surrounding Confession have changed.

Once it was suggested to me by a priest that I should try to go to Confession at least once a month or every other month so that it will become a habit and I wouldn't be nervous or scared about it. It would become more of a lifestyle than a dreadful task. This was back in high school when I seldom went to Confession, which basically meant I went when I missed Mass. Of course I never made Confession a habit, but I filed the information in my mind. Now, as a college student, I do try to go to Confession once a month because it is an opportunity to grow closer to God. It also is a way to make sure I stay accountable for even the most venial sins in my life. It also is a way to routinely talk to God and truly tell Him I am sorry. It is true that taking part in the Eucharist is a way to be forgiven for venial sins. Venial sins should not keep you from participating in the Eucharist because everyone sins and in no way are we perfect.

Honestly, since I have come to college and have tried to go once a month, I have become more comfortable with Confession and have even come to enjoy it. There is no better feeling than kneeling down and praying after Confession...except maaaybe when I receive Jesus at Mass on Sundays aaaand Adoration. :) It is just a way to see God's undying love for us. To think that I have messed up continually pretty much every day of my life and God is there to say "It's alright. I still love you!" Of course when I went before Easter I was nervous, but really opening myself up to God and acknowledging my feelings made me more at peace.

I highly recommend trying to go once a month. Not only does it feel good to tell the priest that your last confession wasn't a million years ago, but it makes it a part of your life, just like Mass. I would suggest starting this a routine with a friend, significant other, family member, or group of some sort. I know that I began by going to Confession because I hadn't been to Church in months. Then I kept going with my Newman group. This past Easter (time) was the first time I went by myself to get my obligation taken care of and not because I missed Mass.

Adoration: Time with the Blessed Sacrament

I walk into the church. I dip my finger in holy water and make the Sign of the Cross. I genuflect before I make my way over to the pews. It is stuffy in the church, but it is a reminder of the beautiful weather of a September evening. The fans are going around overhead.Their buzz and a little bit of chatter are the only sounds that fill the church. Still, there is a silence, a peace about. I slip into a pew with two girls I met at Newman. I let down the riser and kneel to pray, which is something involuntary. I am not sure what to expect, but I smile to myself. I continue praying. Then the priest comes out. Adoration and Benediction begins. It's not like I remember...

I am a cradle Catholic and went to Catholic grade school for eight years. I have always been fond of my beliefs, never feeling forced into my faith. I have always enjoyed being Catholic. I just didn't embrace it as much and often found myself going through the motions. For example, sitting through the Stations of the Cross was not the most exciting thing to do in the 1st grade. So what I remembered about adoration wasn't uplifting. Sitting in silence in a church while staring at the Eucharist in a pretty gold thing is how I would describe it. I never remember understanding why adoration was even a thing. Now this may seem ridiculous considering how much emphasis Catholicism puts on the Body of Christ and how we believe that it is, in fact, the FLESH of Jesus Christ. I'll admit that up until that night at adoration with my Newman friends, I still didn't exactly get it. It makes perfect sense now why I didn't understand the beauty and importance of adoration:
1) I didn't really grasp the concept that it was the legitimate Body of Christ. Growing up, I always just thought of it figuratively, BUT AS THE ACTUAL BODY. I knew it was the flesh, but somehow it was still symbolic, but more important than just a symbol. Don't ask me! My previous mind set and thoughts confuse me greatly. This fact about my previous lack of knowledge is very embarrassing.
2) Because of number one, I didn't understand the importance of the ACTUAL BODY OF CHRIST, which is horrible, but I never caught on that I was confused about my beliefs.
It make sense that I can't see the importance of being in the presence of the Body of Christ when I don't even understand that it is his FLESH.

Through our Exalt, which incorporated praise and worship music, not just 100% silence 100% of the time, I learned so much about Jesus' love for me that just never clicked before. It was life changing and I can't even remember what it was like when adoration wasn't a thing in my life. One of the parts that I really love about adoration is the vulnerability we possess because we open our hearts to Jesus and let him know what's up. Being able to confront all our feelings, including the worry, the fear, the sadness, is one of the best feelings. It is truly giving yourself to God, which is the least we can do when we think about what He did for us. I shed tears, but at the end of that Exult I was on a Jesus high. I felt truly invincible and ready to take on the world. I guess you could say I really felt God's grace and the Holy Spirit within me. It was at the Exalt that I was introduced to most of the modern worships songs that I know now. These included:
1) One Thing Remains
2) Here I Am To Worship
3) Our God

I will be posting about specific lyrics that speak to me later on, but for now I suggest listening to these when you have some time to really listen and give your attention to God.

This first Exalt was probably the first experience that really brought me closer to God and created the "new" relationship I have with Him now, which is so much stronger and totally different from my relationship I had with Him for the first 17 years of my life. I wouldn't want it any other way! I highly recommend going to Adoration any time you can. It is hands down one of my favorite ways to pray and spend time with the Lord.